Every child is different and every potty training journey varies. I’d like to share what happened with us, and the reasons why we quit.

I was eager to try potty training with my daughter after reading Jamie Glowacki’s book, Oh Crap! Potty Training.¹ According to the book, it is easier to potty train a toddler under the age of two, with the sweet spot being between the ages of 18 and 22 months. At this age, children are eager to please their parents, while power struggles emerge around the age of two, and the process of individuation begins at 30 months, making potty training much more difficult. I was persuaded that earlier was preferable. My daughter is 20 months old, so we decided to try it in early October. She is showing the key signs of readiness, such as signing the ABCs, always following me into the bathroom, indicating her wants and needs, following short commands. Observing readiness cues means following the child’s lead before introducing potty use.

Day one

According to the Oh Crap! method, I scheduled a few days indoors with my daughter running around naked from the waist down. We changed the diaper at 8 a.m. She peed on the living room floor around 9 a.m. because I couldn’t get her to sit on the potty. She resisted sitting on the potty by keeping her knees straight (we had practiced sitting on the potty a few times when it first arrived). When she started fidgeting and pressing her legs together (“pee dance”) and then said “hot,” I knew she needed to go. She peed in the same spot on the floor where my waters had broken with her. She peed on the floor twice more after that, the second time while her dad was carrying her to the bathroom. We managed to balance her on the potty around 9:30 and she peed in it. Around 10 a.m., she began fidgeting again, and when I asked if she needed to use the restroom, she said no. I then asked if we could use the big potty to go to the bathroom, and she said yes. I carried her in and attempted to seat her on the froggy insert seat (an Amazon purchase that slips and slides and I do not recommend). She protested and wanted out. I then tried without the frog and assisted her in using a regular toilet seat. Ken and I held her, I made psssssssss noises, and counted to ten. Everything felt stressful and horrible. I knew we were on our way to creating negative potty experiences when potty training should be positive. She screamed, cried, and peed all at the same time. We congratulated her. Then around 12 noon she started the pee fidgeting again (about 10 minutes after a milk bottle), and we put her on the living room potty, I made pssssssssssss noises, and she peed while crying. We praised her and I gave her half a cookie. Then we put her down for a nap while explaining that the diaper is only for sleeping. She awoke from her nap after 2 hours with her diaper fairly dry (probably 1 pee in there). We went to the bathroom, and I assisted her in using the toilet. She cried and resisted once more, but she did pee in the toilet. She came running into the kitchen in the afternoon, grabbed my arm, and peed on the floor. My bad: I was supposed to be watching her like a hawk for signs that she needed to go, but I had turned my back. Nonetheless, by tugging on my arm, my daughter was communicating that she needed to go (which is a sign of potty training readiness). Because it was too late to go potty, I just held and comforted her right there. We tried again before bed, but she cried “valmis valmis” (“ready ready”), and no pee came this time. For the night, a diaper was put on.

Day two

Things felt different on the second day. My daughter had her bottle of milk and her diaper came off after waking up at 6:30 a.m. She then ate her usual breakfast of oatmeal and kiwi. She hadn’t peed in three hours. The potty was out, and she danced around on tiptoes, obviously needing to pee. Her stomach appeared protruded and hard. She was holding back. I offered her another small bottle of milk and water around nine o’clock, hoping to get things going. Nothing. We offered her the potty several times, but she declined. We knew she was about to pee because she wiggled and tiptoed, tugged her bum cheeks, and said “hot hot.” We sat her on the toilet, but nothing came out. I made pssssssss noises and gently rubbed her belly. She laughed as she became ticklish. Nothing happened. Later, I learned that opening the mouth helps sphincter muscles relax and release pee, just as relaxing the jaw helps the body open when giving birth (which I did when she was born). Maybe I should have asked her to play an alligator. The point is that her sphincter muscles were tight: she needed to pee but couldn’t. Ken attempted to take her to the restroom. She’s fine sitting on the lid, but she panics when she notices a hole beneath her. Understandably, a large toilet can be frightening. We eventually gave up because holding it in is unhealthy. After we stopped chasing her with the potty, she peed on the floor in another room, having reached her limit. We put the diaper back on and went about our business as usual. Pees and poops came as soon as she relaxed into her familiar pampers.

Early potty training may be detrimental to the developing body

The new is both unfamiliar and frightening. Children can sometimes overcome obstacles with the right support and encouragement, but my daughter has yet to do so. While she meets the readiness criteria, she is not ready to use the potty. Potty training that occurs too soon for a child’s developmental readiness can have real consequences. Pediatric urologist Steve J. Hodges, MD, advises parents to wait for their children’s bladders to fully develop, a process that necessitates uninhibited response to the body’s natural urges rather than learning to hold pee and poop in at a young age.² Squeezing the sphincter, he explains, causes resistance in the bladder, which can eventually cause the bladder walls to thicken and become muscular. The capacity of a thick bladder is reduced, resulting in involuntary elimination while the natural sensation mechanisms are disrupted. He claims that “chronic holding is the root cause of virtually all toileting problems, including daytime pee and poop accidents, bedwetting, urinary frequency, and urinary tract infections,” and that children who were “out of diapers before age 2” are more likely to have these issues. My daughter’s tiptoeing and fidgeting for hours without a single pee or poop meant she was holding it in. Hodges would probably agree that it was time to take a step back and put her back in diapers.

Other authors, such as Janet Lansbury, argue that children must be prepared physically (with bladder and bowel muscle control), cognitively (with awareness of what they are supposed to do), and emotionally (with the ability to let go of the familiar comfort of releasing into a diaper). My sense is that my daughter is not emotionally prepared. As a result, the question isn’t whether young toddlers can learn to use the potty. They can. Early potty training is possible, and many parents have potty trained their children before the age of two. Some parents choose to engage in ‘elimination communication’ with very young babies, and I’ve heard of a 4-day-old infant peeing in the potty. The fact that it appears easier for parents is central to the early potty training approach with toddlers. The age when children are most cooperative can be used to get them to use the potty. There is evidence, however, that early potty training can result in incomplete emptying, which can lead to chronic constipation and bladder problems. As a result, while a toddler under the age of two learns to use the potty, they may not eliminate completely. According to this viewpoint, when a young toddler habitually holds it until they can get onto the potty (rather than just releasing in the diaper without thinking), such control may be detrimental to their developing bodies. Children rarely choose to interrupt their play to go to the bathroom, so the cycle of holding continues.

Potty training revolves around control and autonomy, and the less conscious or subconscious anxieties about toileting develop, the better children’s prospects appear to be. Parents are frequently pressed to meet requirements such as those imposed by preschools that want potty trained children. Other parents want to get rid of diapers for environmental or cultural reasons. Kids are likely to be more resistant and anxious when potty training revolves around adults’ own agendas. Hitting readiness cues listed in a book does not always mean the child is emotionally ready, and I’m glad we put a pin in it. Some potty training experts who advocate three-day potty training methods would most likely disagree with me. Accidents happen, and consistency is key, and we may have given up too soon. The accidents, however, did not bother us. It was the holding. I’m not sure when my daughter will be ready to start using the potty, but I’m guessing around the age of two. As a parent, I must always follow her lead. Wait until a child can tell you they are peeing or pooping and is eager to get out of their wet or soiled diapers by pulling the diaper off themselves, according to Hodges and Lansbury. While my daughter has done some of this in the past, it has not been consistent enough to bother her. She is aware of her body and understands the purpose of the potty, but she feels liberated to be back in her pampers. We’ll meet her wherever she is.

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While each child is unique and may exhibit these cues at different ages, here are some common indicators of potty training readiness:

• Interest in toileting: Child may show curiosity about the toilet, want to flush it, or ask questions about it.
• Awareness of bodily functions: Child may start to notice when they are urinating or having a bowel movement and may express discomfort or awareness of these functions.
• Staying dry for longer periods: Child may have periods during the day when they stay dry for longer stretches. This indicates they have some control over their bladder.
• Staying dry after naps: If child consistently wakes up from naps with a dry diaper, it’s a sign that they may be ready for potty training during the day.
• Discomfort with dirty diapers: Child may become more vocal or uncomfortable when their diaper is soiled, indicating they prefer to be clean and dry. They may tug at their diapers, try to remove them, or tell you they need a diaper change.
• Independence: Showing a desire for independence and a willingness to do things like “mommy” or like “a big kid” can be a cue. For example, pulling pants up or down themselves.
• Communication skills: Child can express their needs and understand simple instructions, which are important skills for successful potty training.
• Following routines: If child is good at following routines, they may be more receptive to a potty training schedule.
• Age: While age alone is not a definitive indicator, many children start potty training between 18 and 24 months, which is within the typical range yet earlier than the traditional age of 2 to 3 years that many Western cultures follow.

References

¹ Oh Crap! Potty Training: Everything Modern Parents Need to Know to Do It Once and Do It Right. Book by Jamie Glowacki

² A Doctor Responds: Don’t Potty Train Your Baby by Steve J.  Hodges, M.D.